Silencing the thoughts

Today I practiced 12 minutes of uninterrupted silent meditation.

I initially put a timer on for 15 minutes, and aimed to continue meditating for all 15 minutes. However, my thoughts started to waver and when I opened my eyes to check the timer, 12 minutes had passed. I gave myself the credit for the 12 minutes I had practiced for, and stopped there for the day.

My ability to quieten my thoughts has improved significantly since the first time I sat in silence. This time round, I focused so much on my breathing and its rhythm, that I mentally could not divert my attention to anything else. Nonetheless, during the 12 minutes, I had visions flash before my eyes amplifying my feelings of anxiety and fear (related to my current orthopaedic job I completed a few days ago), my feelings of jealously towards certain individuals I have come across, my feelings of confusion regarding how people may be judging me.

Therefore, I wanted to take this space to reflect on all three feelings.

1) My current job on orthopaedics gave me so much anxiety and every day I walked into work with the fear of what I may have screwed up at work, what I may have missed, what someone would say to me regarding any small thing I would have done. I was not myself. When I finished my last every orthopaedic shift on Monday, I felt a sense of relief. I felt like I could breathe and be myself again. Nonetheless, when I was meditating today, I had a flood of that anxiety creep up on me. It is going to take me time to get over those negative emotions I felt during that job, but I know I will get over it.

2) I have become quite obsessive over some individuals, especially some women (and on some occasions, men) on social media. I have somewhat started to develop some kind of jealously over their lives. I do think this has stemmed from my own insecurities about myself. When I can feel these emotions take over me, I always take time to remind myself of the good person I am at my core and the person I am becoming. Therefore, now every time I feel jealous or insecure over someone, especially on social media, I actually like their post, comment something positive and/or send them a prayer. This has really helped with my sanity and it has reminded me how important it is to be kind and send nothing but love. I am not going to judge myself over my negative feelings, but I am going to work to turn that negativity into something positive for myself and all those I may have been feeling that negativity towards.

3) Today is the 27th November. Today marks Maaveerar Naal – a day when Sri Lankans Tamils come together and commemorate the lives lost during the Sri Lankan civil war, especially the lives of the innocent Tamils. This is also the same day that several members of the Tamil youth start posting and sharing remembrance posts on their social media pages. I was feeling the pressure to share my own respects to the innocent lives lost, and I also felt as if I would be judged if I did not post something. At the end of the day, I did not do anything; I did not see what purpose it was going to serve an image for the sake of following a crowd. I instead took the time to reflect on what I could do to make sure the lives lost were not in vain. I instead took the time to reflect on how I can stand out as a Tamil girl and ensure Tamils across the globe would also feel proud and motivated to carry on the Tamil culture and language for the generations to come. That is me paying respect to the lives lost. That is me finding the Maaveeran (Brave Soldier) within me. That is me falling in love with my Tamil culture yet again.

Silent meditation is really helping me break down and evaluate my thoughts. This is how I am going to silence my thoughts as well. Rather than judging myself for the thoughts I have, I have decided to analyse the thoughts that I am focused on and write about it to you. It is slowly giving me control over my thoughts, which is what I have always wanted. It is a work in progress but I am on this journey to healing my soul. Join me on this infinite journey of soul healing as well.

Love with no judgement

Spiritual practice is not easy. It takes time. Praying, meditating and chanting mantras are a fraction of this vast world.

I believe spirituality comes from a place of love, where our thoughts, words and actions are positively in line with each other.

Spiritual practice and spirituality is truly tested in the way we think of and treat those who have done harm to us, or those we have a reason to dislike. If we turn to them and embrace them with love and forgiveness, that is when our spirituality is truly rewarded.

Judgements – A Default Weakness

We have judged, and remain to judge. This may come in the form of judging others. However, more often than not we judge ourselves, and we are not even aware that we are doing it.

We judge ourselves based on the judgements others pass on us. Let me give you an example of this from my own life. I have several relatives who have made sweeping judgmental statements about me. This, at one point, tore me apart. One day I looked in the mirror at the girl staring back at me and told her, ‘You are not a bad human, your way of approaching life maybe different to many you know, but that’s okay. You do not have to conform to another’s norm. You need to find your own norm, for which you need to find yourself and be comfortable in being the person that you truly are.’

I have also had moments where I have not had the confidence to say ‘No’ to certain situations, just because of the fear I had of being judged. This brought upon me a lot of mental clutter because I did not know what I truly wanted out of life, I was just floating around and getting by life. I started losing focus on my goals and passion, and most importantly myself. This began to change for me when I separated myself from my own judgments. I accepted myself for the person I am. I am an introverted person, who is very task orientated. I do have a social life and that social life for me is dance rehearsals/training – I am not ashamed of admitting it anymore. Yes I do take time to just not think about anything medicine or dance related: once in a blue moon. I do it to re-nergise myself when I do get back into Medicine and Dance modes the following day, and not to escape that life I have chosen.

Anyone can be and do whatever they want. I will not judge, neither will I judge myself. By witnessing my judgement and taking control of such thoughts, I am one step closer to being judgement free.

This blog is platform via which I am making this promise to myself:

I am me. You are you. I define who I am and who I want to be; you define who you are and who you want to be. Life truly is simple.

‘Fake’

So I am one of the wider global Tamil fraternity who watches the new Bigg Boss Tamil. There have been mixed reviews about the whole show, but I am not here to provide my review on it. All I am going to say is that I very much enjoy watching the show, and it is another great platform through which I can analyse human behaviour.

This post is about one constantly spoken concept by the participants of the show – being ‘fake’. Everyone seems to claim that everyone is ‘fake’ on the show. This made me think deeper about what ‘fake’ actually means, and when we can actually call one ‘fake’.

There is a general consensus that being ‘fake’ means that one is not being genuine, which I agree with. What I do not agree with is to call someone fake without having real knowledge of how they are in person.

This term is a very negative one which really has the ability to bring one’s confidence down. To therefore constantly use it to describe someone is horrible. However, what I find most shocking is that the participants are so easy to judge another and easily disregard another’s whole personality as being ‘fake’ just because they do not conform with what they believe is right or with the people they are used to interacting with.

I believe that calling someone ‘fake’ is harsh, but it is especially so when you hardly know the person. How can you call someone ‘fake’ when you do not know them well? One needs to accept that individuals act differently with different people. No one person has the same relationship with two people. Therefore I believe it is wrong to completely disregard their personality using one very pathetic word.

No one is perfect, so instead of hammering an individual down for it, help them to the best of your ability to grow and improve themselves rather than impose labels on them.

‘I am not be perfect but at least I am not fake’ – Thought for the day!